Much Afraid

For the past six years I have not been good enough. At least that is what I have been told. I must be tougher, braver, stronger, harder, faster, smarter; for in my line of work, if I am not, Marines die. When I first reported to the United States Naval Academy for Plebe Summer, I was told that the next six weeks would be the toughest six weeks of my life and that I should look to my left and to my right and take notice of my mates, for at least two out of five of you will not be here at the end. Well, I finished. At the beginning of the Academy academic year, the Commandant told us that the hardest four years of our life stood in front of us and that one-quarter of our buddies would not make it through. Well, I did. I then reported to Marine Corps Base, Quantico for Infantry School. I was told that this was to be the toughest six months of my life, the only thing harder would be "combat and hell." I was then told that for those who make it through here, I could expect to lose at least one of my platoon mates within the year. It was tough, but I made it through. I am now in flight school. Our Commanding Officers tell us that THIS is the toughest school on earth. If we are not good enough, it is out the door we go. We, I, must be the best. Well, now at least I suppose I can look forward to combat... In fact, I think that when I get to Heaven, the Lord will look down upon me and say: "welcome to heaven, the hardest eternity of your life."

The past six years has turned me into someone far more different than I ever imagined. Not in a bad way, but just not as I would have imagined. When I left to report to the Naval Academy the young man who boarded the plane in Nashville never came back.... he disappeared. Over time I became "born again hard", "crazy brave", and the perfect budding Officer. But something was not right. Even though I had been given all of the tools, a piece was still missing.
Today as I write this, God is doing a work in me that I so desperately need. He is assuring me that it is not by my hand that His Will is accomplished, but by His. I am merely a tool, a servant, that is carried upon the shoulders of a God so much greater than even the greatest of Marine Corps Officers.

Jars of Clay has been my music of choice lately and through the words of Much Afraid my heart has made a leap and sung with all of its might. "I'm so much afraid, scared out of my mind/By the demons I've made/Sweet Jesus, you never let me go/Oh, Sweet Jesus, you never let me go." And so they complete the song, as well as my prayer: "So happy to love/Yet so far to go/You lead me on to where I have never been before."